Archive for March, 2006

Ode on a Strapless Bra: The Oscar Recap

March 7, 2006

O! Strapless bra!
You are a creature of infinite complexity;
A banner, a bandeau, an ace bandage with molded cups.
You vex me.

Surely you were not invented by a sane person.
You flaunt your counter-intuitivity;
Girls grow to womanhood
thinking “beige”
is a synonym
for “invisible,”
when really, o strapless bra,
you should always be the color of the gown
that is too revealing
to be worn without you.

And you can be worn without straps;
with detachable straps;
as a halter;
with clear plastic straps that look distressingly like
Scotch Magic Tape
holding up my boobs;
yay verily;
you vex me.

But you are not all that vexes me.
To wit, o strapless bra:

I am vexed
that Heath Ledger
and Gary Oldman
have spliced their DNA.

I am vexed
that Duckface Lindley
did not leave her Creekside days
behind her,
though I did not expect her to,
and, really, nobody else did either.

I am exceedingly vexed
that a movie I
did not see, but from all reports,
was a movie as
and multifaceted
as a machete to the groin
won Best Picture of 2005.
Though I will not be vexed for long;
I truly believe
Crash is 2005’s
How Green Was My Valley,
also known as
Best Picture of 1941
over fellow nominee
Citizen Kane.

I am vexed
that I did not wake up
beside George Clooney.
Or Jon Stewart.
Or both of them.

I am vexed that Charlize Theron
has lost control
of her eyesight
and her mind.

I am the opposite of vexed
for Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I am full of Upstate pride
because I firmly believe
more Oscar winners
ought to know and understand
the joy
of Wegmans.

I am vexed
that I do not personally know
Nick Park
and that he did not
make a tiny bowtie
for me to wear
because I totally, totally would have.

I am vexed that Dolly Parton
no longer looks like Dolly Parton
or should I say
Truvy Jones
who looked like a real woman
and not so much a dolly
though I have to give her props
because I doubt,
on an evening of nothing but strapless bras,
that she was wearing one.