10 things to do in your apartment when you have no heat

I wrote this over an ass-cold February weekend back in 2006 after being informed by my landlord at the time that, for obscure reasons, the local gas and electric company needed my apartment’s furnace turned off.  Like, now.  Because of an OBSCURE NON-SPECIFIC REASON OF DANGER that probably meant I was several heaving lungfulls away from carbon monoxide asphyxiation.  So that was fun.

Like I said, never published it before now but in the spirit of airing out my bloggy cupboards: here you go, world!  Almost three years later, this is still how I would handle the exact same situation.

10. Bake chocolate chip cookies. This will both necessitate the turning-on of the oven and slake one’s cookie lust.

9. Consider nightmare scenarios about what it was, exactly, that prompted Nstar to take one look at your furnace and say, damn, that shit’s gotta be shut down, yo – STAT!

8. Sit on the floor with bare toes an inch away from tiny space heater that’s supposed to oscillate but doesn’t, thinking that ‘oscillate’ is a very funny word, and might be what an ocelot says when he’s running late for things.

7. Take long hot showers that test the integrity of the jerry-rigged shower curtains, turning one’s bathroom floor into a working model of the everglades, minus alligators.

6. Leave.

5. Bundle.

4. Eat.

3. Sit and stare at laptop as it warms one’s tummy with its lovely electricalness, briefly consider tackling that novella revision that really ought to be done by March 1, decide to watch another episode of Moonlighting instead.

2. Sacrifice a loyal sled dog and/or taunton. And yes–you thought they smelled bad on the outside.

And the number one thing to do in your apartment when you have no heat?

1. Think warm thoughts.

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